Who needs sleep?

Nov 20, 2013

5:45am and I've been awake since before 2am. After tossing and turning for ages, Ross woke up and suggested that I give up on sleep and read or watch something.

He was fully awake by this point, so he watched last nights episode of Hebburn with me.

We then talked about how grossly unfair this all was. I can’t understand why the Cancer decided to have a go at me. I realise I’m in danger of wallowing in self pity or worse slipping into depression, but I can’t help thinking ‘why me?’ What did I do to deserve this? I also know that it’s just an unfortunate situation that is a result of chance and bad luck. Unfortunately the former is winning over the latter at the moment despite my stoicism and pragmatism, and until I learn to accept it, I will struggle.

Ross managed to go back to sleep. He needs as much sleep as he can get too. Luckily as Ross’s parents are here, they are able to pick up the slack with things like cooking and looking after the bairns.

Imogen has told me she’s a little bit worried about my first chemo treatment and she is going to tell her teacher so they can offer her some support. I’m so glad she’s confident enough to do that, she is amazing.

Felix asked if my hair would fall out straight away. I think he was disappointed when I said no. Felix doesn’t really understand what’s going on, so he focuses on the bits he does understand. Bald heads he can relate to. Ross has one after all! If he sees tangible evidence like dressings, or scars, he can relate to that. He’s had and got those himself! He’s asked to feel the Big Lump and the implanted port catheter, they are real and physical, but he doesn’t understand the implications of them all. To be honest, no 5 year old, or 7 year old for that matter, should have to watch a parent fight this battle. It’s not fair on them

On hair loss related news, I had a wig delivered. I don’t like it. I’m going to have to go to a wig shop and try some on. The problem I have is, I have quite a small head, small forehead and a widow’s peak. So to get a wig that sits right will prove tricky. My wonderful hairdresser is going to see if there’s anything she can do with the internet wig, so at least I have a backup.

I’m going to try for another hour of sleep now.

I shall return.