There may be some self help books, but who reads them just in case?!
By now the news is public, I’m not going to rehash it but in short it’s a mixed bag. Good news is it’s only in one place, so much more containable. Bad news we’re not talking cure but containment. We’re hoping for a record breaking amount of time containing it.
My emotions have been up and down, the metaphor I used in my head was swimming in stormy seas. Waves of grief for a future that won’t happen, sadness and worry for Julia, being scared of being alone all crashing into me. It was a rawness I’ve never felt before and I’ve glimpsed a chasm of despair that is so alien to me and my personality. It’s a worrying time to say the least.
Telling the world
We had told the kids the basics in the morning, Imogen was brave and worried, Felix seemed unsure. It felt good to let them know it’s not their fault Mum and Dad have been fraught over the weekend. We have to keep them talking and let them express any worries over the coming months / years. I plan to be proactive about it but I can see it’s going to be a fine line between asking and over asking. I’ll have to stay attuned and am planning at some point making sure that they (we?) get counselling to ensure that they become the well adjusted and wonderful children that Julia and I know they will be.
I spoke to the teachers at school - through sobs and asked them to look after the kids today. It was just so hard to speak about it and acknowledge it publicly. I was a mess and the teachers were kind but probably more than a little bemused and concerned. Whilst leaving the playground, I happened to bump into Rachel and then Adam and needed hugs from them both so I could compose myself - thanks you two it was much needed and much appreciated.
Julia and I headed off to the Doctors for better meds, tears filled my eyes more than once and I realised I best to speak to one soon as well. We got more meds, a bagful, the lady at the pharmacy was kind and efficient and we headed back home. The extra meds have helped Julia get more comfortable and reach a lower number of the pain scale. It breaks my heart that even with all these meds she is still on the pain scale but I can but hope future treatment will sort that.
We publish our blog posts and let the world know, Facebook is a marvelous thing at times. Julia announced the news and support, love and kind words flood in raising our spirits. I had a meltdown in the kitchen and posted my own post to facebook. The amount of support was humbling and helped my sea of anxiety soften. I took strength from the comments, encouragement and love that came through. Support has flooded in from best friends, old friends, internet wierdy friends (Julia’s terminology!) and even people we have never met or spoken to. It’s been amazing.
Hard times ahead
A friend of Felix’s, told him that if Julia’s cancer has comeback then she’ll be dead in five years. It’s shocking and I don’t know where a 7 year old would get that from but I can’t be angry at Felix’s friend, he’s a child just like Felix. Anyway, Felix told me he doesn’t believe it and we talked about it with Imogen on the way home from school. I couldn’t lie and tell them it definitely won’t be the case but rather, I stuck to the positives, no one knows the future and the doctors are working their hardest to do their best to contain it.
If Julia and I don’t know the implications of the reoccurrence of cancer, then how can the kids? We have to keep to the positives and ask the kids to be the best they can be and make sure they talk if they need to and get space when they need as well. Felix, holds his feelings closer than Imy and that night for the first time in an age he has a bed wetting accident.
I went to see the Doctor myself yesterday, I had been feeling better or rather more on an even keel. I bumped into Pinky and that facade crumbled but it all helps - thanks for the hugs. I spoke to doctor, talked myself out of any medication but I know that they are there should they be needed. That in itself has been a big relief.
The rawness of the initial shock seems to be leaving and I feel more positive. The insurance company are on board, which is a relief and we are starting treatment next week. I even managed to tell my colleagues at work without booing - a big improvement. The house seems to be running smoothly, chief laundry master Lawley has stepped up to the plate! Being proactive always helps me and I’m glad to say my wobbles have been further apart. I’m sure they’ll be back but with such awesome support from friends and family I know we’ll stay afloat.