This blog was setup to act as a form of writing therapy, to help Julia and I through our emotions and to deal with the situation head on. All in the hope that one day when Julia is cancer free and cancer treatment has finished that we will come out of it stronger. The idea is that any issues will have been tackled head on, so that we can move on and enjoy the rest of lives in freedom. Freedom from the fear of cancer and freedom from any hangover of the truama of the treatment process.

One day, Imogen and Felix will be old enough to read this blog and I hope it will help give them perspective and understand their place in a journey they unwittingly went through.

There has been one large emission from the blog, which because of family politics, I’ve kept it silent and bottled it up. It is the reason I am so often awake in the dark of the night and I can’t sleep because my mind whirls. I now realise it does this because I haven’t written about it and I haven’t given it a place.

Back in November, after I spent a day in A&E with Julia who was having heart pains (the day after starting chemotherapy and herceptin), I was stressed. I reacted badly to some comments from my mum and then blogged about it. The post was supposed to be about how there’s no guidebook on how to handle someone going through Cancer treatment and how people react differently. I hurt my mum writing that post and I got an angry email telling me so. I apologised, redacted the post and wrote a new post apologising.

The angry email back also took a swipe at Julia and I can understand lashing out when angry, we all do it. What I don’t understand is that after pointing out that it hurt Julia repeatedly, there has been no apology.

Months have rolled by and communication has been in fits and starts but there’s always been an underlying tension. Any emails about the argument have fallen on deaf ears.

Today, I had a call from my Dad asking if he and mum can come and visit to see Julia after her surgery. I had to tell him at present they aren’t welcome and saying that breaks my heart.

After a night of no sleep, wrestling with the futility of the situation, when I needed support the most, the stupidity of words spoken in anger have got in the way. We have been stuck at an impasse for too long and we may not be able to control if Julia gets her apology but we can control how we deal with this situation.

So we have to put it behind us, it’s damaging rather than healing. There are bigger things to deal with and a we deserve a positive future ahead.