Happiness and Sadness

Apr 12, 2014

This week has passed in a haze with the bairns and my Dad being around whilst I've been convalescing. They've pottered around, in and out and it's been great.

On Friday we went to see the consultant to have a review. I’ve been in quite a lot of pain, not surprising when he drained over 400ml of fluid from my wounds. Ouchie! However, despite that, we came away delighted. After they’d done the surgery, the tissue which was removed was sent to be analysed to see if there was any cancer remaining after the initial round of chemotherapy. We’d know that it could be an option, but we hadn’t dared hope. We also knew that regardless of whether there was or not, the surgery was always going to happen. Trials have proven that even with a total pathological reaction to chemo, the cancer is very likely to come back. My odds have always with this cancer sucked, so not having surgery was never an option.

So, here we are, Cancer free. Woo hoo! It’s not quite the end of the road yet. I’ve still got another round of chemo to go, as well radiotherapy, and biological treatments. I’ll be on medication for 5-10 years, but we’re over half way through. I think the next lot of chemo will be tough as it is different to the last round, and will make me very sick. I’ll lose my newly grown sprouts of hair again, but that doesn’t matter. I’m here, and the treatment is working.

I’ve added a few things to my to do list: sort the garden, stain/paint some furniture, do a 10k run, do a Race for life Pretty Muddy, and do a triathlon. What’s to stop me? Only my own mental attitude. At least that’s on my side!

Dad has gone home now, and we’ll miss him.

Another sadness has been a shadow of family politics hanging over us since I first started chemo. It keeps Ross awake at night, it causes arguments between us and ultimately it’s not helping us on our road to getting my little family through this awful time.

All it will take is a simple “I’m sorry”, but it seems that is too much to ask. Ross and I are going through the worst part of our lives together and to have to deal with this anxiety too, is exhausting.

So, in order to keep the peace, I’m going to have to accept that I am not going to get the apology. My feelings are going to have to take a back seat for the Greater Good of a happy family. I can’t watch Ross be torn in two over this, and he means more to me than my pride.