Thursday

Ross got us up at 5am this morning for the drive up to Newcastle. Felix, Imogen and I slept for the first hour or so.

We get to Grandma’s and Ross and the bairns are soon being organised with Halloween preparations. I have a sleep on the sofa.

We go and visit my Gran in the afternoon and then it’s back to Grandma’s and Grandad’s for a party with the family. There were hugs, laughs, thoughtful presents and trick or treating. The bairns loved it. I got hugs. That was nice. It’s odd talking about my boobs with my brothers and my Dad, but this is important. They need to know what’s going to happen to me and how I’m feeling about it all. The fact of the matter is, I have to do what it takes to get my life back. There is no pussy footing about this. It’s going to be a hard road, I realise that, but it won’t be forever.

Imogen reads Grandma and Grandad the Mummy’s Lump book. She’s already read it to her cousin Holly, and the only word she struggled with was Chemotherapy. Why should a seven or eight year old know that word? It’s hardly everyday vocabulary.

Uncle Callum’s highly regarded pumpkin is being used as a nightlight tonight.

Friday

I slept a lot today. It’s nice to be able to, and know the bairns and Ross are looked after.

We went to see my Mam this afternoon. It’s been a while since we saw her but Imogen and Felix were great. Something’s also don’t change. She was telling me how I feel about having Breast Cancer. I’m shocked. Clearly I can’t choose my own emotions and feelings at 36years old.

I bought some headwear for when I lose my hair with the chemo. I got some online, and others from an actual real life shop. It’s still all a bit surreal. Also discussing health insurance whilst waiting to have the kids feet measured was a bit odd. Things are just going to get more odd, so I may as well get used to it.

Saturday

Today has been quite hectic. Ross accompanied my Dad to see Newcastle play Chelsea at St James Park, and Imogen, Felix, grandma Julie and I did some shopping. A successful afternoon all round with the Toon winning 2 nil, and purchasing Imogen’s new school boots, and Christmas outfits.

On the way home we saw Regan and Lorna’s new house. They astound me. They’ve got two 7 month old babies, and are gutting a house. It’ll be fantastic, I’ve no doubt, but Wowsers, there’s work to do. I’m looking forward to seeing it all done up. Something else to aim for.

I made an impromptu visit to see Karen and Alison, two of my oldest friends. I’m glad I did. There were hugs and tears, but also promises of support and laughter. There’s a reason I have the friends I do, both the old ones and the (relatively) newer ones. Mainly because they are fantastic, and I can be me. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, and they accept me as I am.

We’re off home tomorrow. It’s been a good trip. But I’m not sure when I’ll be up next. That worries me a bit, as we normally come up every 3 or 4 months, but as we just don’t quite know what’s going to happen, we can’t make plans. It’s been a great few days. My family are fantastic and it’s good to know I’ve got their support. My Dad and Julie, are amazing. They have so much on their own plate with one thing and another, and still make it seem like nothing is too much trouble. Much love to them. Don’t go changing. X

Over the past week, I’ve even told I’m very brave, pragmatic, stoic and tenacious in my attitude and reaction to my diagnosis. But what can I do? I have no other choice. I have to fight. I have to fight for my future, because in fighting for my future I’m fighting for the future of my kids and my family, and that’s what’s important. They need me, and I need them so I’ve got something to fight for. I have no choice. There is no other option. I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO FIGHT!

Sunday

We called in to see my brothers and their families before we headed home. Ross did a sterling job of driving and 4 hours later we were walking in the front door to be greeted by the cats. They were very happy to see us, and us them.

We’ve all be a bit shouty at each other this afternoon. I think it’s the stress of tomorrow leaching out. We all need to remember to be kind to each other.