This is great news!

So why am I not on Cloud Nine?

Why aren’t I celebrating?

Why can’t I accept the good news and be happy?

Friends and family are all offering good wishes and I am surrounded by love. I am extremely lucky in more ways than one.

I’m going to be turning 40 next week, and doesn’t life begin there? I’ve got a few things lined up with friends and family to help me celebrate. At one point I didn’t think I’d get to 40. But here I am, 10 days to go, and the world should be my oyster. Except I don’t feel it is.

I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of why I’m not feeling “Happy as Larry”. (Whoever Larry is, I’d like to meet him and ask him his secret.)

I think it comes down to the fact that I feel so fatigued still, and I can’t seem to get back to normal. The doctors, who are involved in my medical wellbeing, are trying to find a reason for this fatigue are certain that it is not due to there being any cancer lurking anywhere. The scan proves this.

So what else can it be? What can it be that leaves me waking in the morning feeling like I need another 5 hours sleep? That leaves me asleep in front of the tv after spending a 4 or 5 hours doing software development work? That if I want to watch the kids partake in any event or fixture, I have to work out whether I can fit a nap in? On Sunday’s, if I feel up to watching the bairns play rugby, I often have to choose which one I watch, because I can’t do both. They both understand this, but I wish it wasn’t the case.

Why should I have to plan my weeks, and my family’s activities, around my energy levels? I feel like I’m cheating them out of their childhood. The fun with me has to be rationed, or else it happens without me.

I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m not having a ‘Pity Party’, I just want to enjoy being cancer free, for as long I am. I want to enjoy these times in between scans. I want to give Ross and the kids a better version of me. They deserve better than the current version.

Jx