I usually take some morphine and some diazepam to try and relieve it before going back to sleep. Unfortunately, sleep tends to be illusive, and by the time I’ve huffed and puffed a bit, Ross has woken up. We chat for a while, maybe read, maybe chat to the other insomniacs on social media, and if we’re lucky get back to sleep.

Today, I had some visitors, which was nice. Some of the Gin Club came round after the morning school with biscuits and made their own tea and coffee. (They are good like that.) It’s good to have news from the outside world. Something that doesn’t involve me, pain, cancer or hospitals. I appreciate it all.

I was due a CT with contrast today and was nil by mouth from 9am. This included painkillers. The imaging department at the hospital was very efficient, I was given water, changed into a robe, had a cannula fitted and was led into the CT suite. By this point I was in agony. 20 minutes later, I was all done, the radiographers helped me up out of the scanner as I can’t get from lying to sitting on my own, and sent on my way, but not before I dosed up on morphine and other painkillers, and snuck in a cup of coffee and some jammy dodgers.

Once home I tried to keep busy. Felix was out at a friends and Imy got on with her music practice. We haven’t said anything to the bairns yet about any of this. They know I have a bad back, and that I’ve been having scans and seeing doctors. I don’t think Cancer is even on their radar. They don’t know you can get cancer in your back or bones. Why would they? They are children.

On Monday, I have another MRI, and then in the evening, after we’ve seen the Oncologist and find out what we are dealing with, we’ll decide what to tell them and how best to do it. I don’t expect it’ll be an easy conversation. But - it still could be a trapped nerve…there’s a 10% chance it’s not cancer. Please let that be the case. Please.

Jx